Degrassi: Are You Ready to Get Old (a parody of 13B)
by antinomian
Summary: By popular (like 2 people) request, here's a parody of season 13B. After 7 long years of high school, the seniors are finally about to graduate. How much drama and convoluted nonsense can they pack in to their final year? Find out!


A/N: By popular demand (like two people asking nicely) I've decided to parody season 13 (starting with the school year starting because I don't want to parody a funeral).

It was a beautiful autumn day at Degrassi, full of summer-like sunshine and lush, green vegetation that showed no sign of turning color. The few remaining seniors who had not yet been killed off, black-holed, or sent to different schools so they could escape their ex-convict fathers, skipped merrily into the building.

Clare Edwards, the girl whose miraculous post-cancer hair growth recently won her a spot in this year's _Guinness Book of World Records_ (a fact which she worried would not be enough to impress Columbia), was the merriest of all.

"I can't believe it's our last year here at Degrassi!" Clare said with a smile.

"I know!" Connor exclaimed. "It feels like it was only seven years ago when we walked through these doors for the first time."

"Seven years?" Clare asked, puzzled. "That's not possible. They'd never let us stay in high school for that long."

Connor frowned. "Look, Clare. I'd stand here and calmly explain to you how your first day at Degrassi aired on October 5, 2008, which means we should have graduated three years ago, but I read that pointing out the glaring plot holes in peoples' lives can lower serotonin production and induce feelings of sadness."

Jenna nodded approvingly at her boyfriend, who was at least trying to respect popular social conventions.

"So," Alli chirped, hoping to quickly change the subject. "What did you all do this summer?"

As the character who had the least soul-crushing summer out of the bunch, Jenna went first. "I went to Paris and saw my best friend get beat up by some creep and then came home to find out that one of my classmates was dead," Jenna said.

"Bummer," Clare said. "I got cancer, lost all my hair, made a friend at the hospital, found out she died, and then found out Adam died a week later."

"Bummer," Imogen, who was randomly there, said. "I made out with a guy who had a girlfriend and then he basically killed himself trying to apologize to his girlfriend for kissing me. That's probably going to haunt me for the rest of my life."

"Bummer," Connor said. "I tried out to be the meteorologist in this town. Turned out we don't have weather here unless Fitz needs to dramatically break in to someone's house."

"Bummer!" everyone agreed.

Just as Clare stepped up to the back door of the gymnasium where assemblies where usually held, Drew Torres burst through the door.

"Hi," Drew said. "I've been here since the mid-season finale."

"Doing what?" Clare asked.

Drew looked at her like it was obvious. "I've been preparing for this ten-minute assembly this whole time!"

"Well aren't you all responsible?" Clare asked playfully, as if there was nothing concerning about what Drew just said.

Seeing Clare brought Drew to a sudden, terrifying realization. "Oh NO! Clare, I just realized something!" Drew shouted at an embarrassing volume.

"That you're a super-senior?" Clare guessed. "It's okay, everyone already knows that. We accept you for who you are."

"No," Drew said. "Not that!"

"Well, what then?"

"Adam was my moral compass," Drew explained. "Without him, I might do something insanely immoral."

"Just use basic self-control tactics," Clare said. "It'll be fine."

"BASIC WHAT?" Drew cried. "Oh shit, I have to hit on Zoë!"

Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, for the new class president, Zoë arrived at school early so she could have a visible discussion with her mother about not wanting to go to Degrassi.

"Mom, I don't care _how_ badly Degrassi needs new cast members, you can NOT leave me in this hell hole!" Zoë shouted. "I know what happens to people who go here. They get murdered! They crash their cars into things when they're in love! Mom, I'm scared!"

"I sent you to Paris so you could meet all sorts of cool new people like Leo, and this is how you repay me?" Mrs. Rivas asked. "I have to get a job because of you! Okay? A JOB! So don't you even start with me, Missy!"

Interrupting that little conversation, Drew jumped in front of Mrs. Rivas and started yelling out his love. "I LOVE YOU!" he screamed. "I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO PROM AND CHEAT ON YOU WITH BIANCA! That's what I do when I'm in love."

"I believe that," Zoë said. "Hey, all of grade 10," she announced, as the rest of her class entered through the doors. "This sexy older guy is my boyfriend."

"Wow, what's a sophisticated, classy older gentleman doing with you?" Maya asked sarcastically.

Just then, Drew went, "Zoë, your eyes are so brown…they're as brown as…my Nana's couch, which is also brown. It kind of reminds me of your eyes, and you know what your eyes remind me of?"

"Your Nana's couch?" Zoë guessed.

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE PSYCHIC!" Drew screamed. "I can't take this anymore!"

Then, Drew collapsed on the floor. "Oh my God, Drew," Dallas said. "I did not see that coming at all. You've never fallen down before. Are you okay?"

"Wow," Tristan said with a big smile on his face, "your boyfriend's a real catch."

"Yeah, too bad you didn't catch him before he hit the ground," Maya said.

"Ba-zing!" Tristan shouted, hi-fiving his temporary friend.

Blahda-da-da-da

BHWADDEVER I THIS THING A-A-A-A-AHHHHHHHHHHH!

I CAN MAKE _I-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT_

BWHADDEVER IT TAKES

I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!

The scene opened on a classroom where Mr. Pereno was trying to teach. "Hey, Zoë," he said. "I know you're new to public school, but normally we like students to wait until the _second_ day of school to manipulate people who are tripping out on psych drugs into being romantically involved with them. I'd like you to meet with Imogen after school. She'll be a great mentor for you as you wade the waters of your obsession."

"Wade this!" Zoë shouted, spilling all her iced coffee on Mr. Pereno.

"Principal Simpson will deal with you now," Mr. Pereno said.

"Oh, yeah, like he always deals with a fat load of other things," Mrs. Torres snapped.

"Mrs. Torres, are you wearing a visitor's pass?" Mr. Pereno asked.

"I live here," Audra said defiantly.

Ignoring the town crier, Zoë walked to the principal's office where her disappointed mother was sitting disappointedly.

"I just don't see why you'd assault a teacher within the first ten minutes of the episode…I mean…day," Mr. Simpson said.

Mrs. Rivas shed a fake tear. "Oh, it's not her fault. See, she has dyslexia."

"That disorder where you mix up letters? I fail to see how this has anything to do with throwing stuff at teachers," Principal Simpson said.

"Do you want me to get all Audra Torres on your ass?" Mrs. Rivas asked.

"No, ma'am," Principal Simpson said.

"Pretty soon, Mrs. Torres's only remaining son will be graduating, God willing, and _I_ will be the only obnoxious parent left. You'd better not get on my bad side."

For the rest of the day, Zoë had no more speaking parts and instead all the attention was given to Alli, who was all giddy about her date and eager to tell her whole class about it during _Graduate Level Cancer Research_ , a course that all twelfth graders must take to graduate. This is why there are so many super seniors.

Since _Graduate Level Cancer Research_ doesn't have a teacher in charge of conducting lessons or anything extraneous like that, no felt distracted when Alli started going on about her love life.

"I have a date!" Alli said with a huge smile.

"Ooh, with Dallas?" Jenna guessed.

"No," Alli said. "It's not Dallas."

"So where's Dallas taking you?"

"For the second time, it's not Dallas."

"Well that's nice," Clare said. "I'm just glad you and Dallas are finally getting together."

"For the third time, it's not Dallas."

"Whatever," Jenna said. "Hope Dallas is a good kisser."

"For the fourth time, it's not Dallas."

"Of course it's Dallas," Clare said. "Who else in Canada is actively obsessed with you right now? Since Dave got some rare new strand of swine flu and was moved to a hospital in Montana for a miraculous new treatment that gave him superpowers, Dallas has been your only suitor."

"For the fifth time, it's not Dallas."

"Wait, what is this about Dave getting super powers?" Jenna asked.

"It's just a crack theory for why he isn't on the show anymore," Clare said. "Although swine flu isn't funny."

Later that day, Alli showed up at The Dot where that scumbag named Leo showed up with flowers. He was already wearing a uniform for The Dot, indicating how he was totally working there.

"Hey, Leo," Alli said. "I've missed you so much."

"Oh, moi aussi," Leo said. "Me too for zee English-speaking view-ahrs who do not understand my sexy use of French. I got a job, ees zat not great?"

"How'd you do that?" Alli asked.

"Vell, you see, for zee past two seasons, Feetz has been no more, and so food has had to magically appear on people's plates eenstead of somevone making it and breenging it to their tables. Ven I put in an application, Spinner made his vance-a-year trip to the restaurant and hired me! Ees zat not great?"

"Why do you sound like Dracula?" Alli asked.

"En contraire, ma cherie!" Leo said. "Je ne sound pas anything like Dracula for je suis from France and Dracula habite du Transylvania!"

For some reason, there was more on Alli's mind than whether or not her boyfriend's accent was believable. "Before we have our official date, can you promise me you're not going to hit me again?" Alli asked, batting her eyelashes in that 'pretty please with sugar on top' way.

"Ma cherie, zat vas an accident!" Leo said defensively.

"Hitting me was an accident?" Alli asked, stupefied.

"Oui, mademoiselle," Leo said. "I vill _never_ overreact to anything again."

Alli nodded, taking in his words. "Good, because you had Jenna worried that you might be abusive there for a minute."

"YOU TOLD JENNA?" Leo overreacted. "I am so offended! You have offended me, Alli. This is my offended face that is more offended than the most offended person who has ever been offended!"

"I'm sorry you're offended," Alli said nervously.

"OH, so now getting offended is all I do?" Leo snapped. "Is that vat you think of me?"

"That's not what I said," Alli said.

"OH, so now I'm too stupid to know what you said?!"

"NO!" Alli shouted. "HOLY SHIT, LEO, CALM DOWN!"

"OH, so now I am not CALM?! Is that what you think I am?! Just some loser who cannot control his temper?!"

"Leo," Alli sighed.

"OH, so now my name's LEO?" Leo demanded.

"Well that one's just true," Alli said.

"Well don't you know everything, Miss M.I.T.?"

"It says your name on your name badge," Alli reminded him.

"OH, so all I'm good for is wearing a name badge?" Leo whined.

"Forget it!"

"So now I have a bad memory?"

Alli rolled her eyes. "Whatever, I gotta go to class."

"Who is this Class jerk, and vhy must he steal my girlfriend?" Leo demanded, balling his hands into fists.

"Class is what happens at school," Alli said.

"Zen vhy don't you take me with you?" Leo cried. "Are you ashamed of me?"

"No," Alli said. "Actually, I want to give you a ticket to our school dance. I'd love to take you and introduce you to all my friends."

"NO WAY! I do not wish to be tested! Pas de tout!"

"Actually, you should be tested," Alli warned him. "My first boyfriend had an STD."

"Not zat kind of tested!" Leo shouted. "Your friends, zey judge me for being abusive."

"No they don't!" Alli assured him. "They just need to get to know the Leo I know."

"VATEVER!" Leo screamed. "Zer ees no way in zee numerous layers of hell that I vill be going to that dance!"

So, Alli went to the dance by herself. "I'm by myself," she said sadly to Dallas.

Then, Leo walked in all "Vat ees up? Zat ees vat zee Americans say, no?"

"Oh, Leo!" Alli shouted. "You came! What an amazing boyfriend you are. Am I right?"

"I'm not supposed to comment!" Connor said, sounding mildly frightened to be at yet another dance where a volatile, emotionally unstable loose cannon with a history of unrestrained violence was spending intimate time with one of his friends.

Then, Dallas showed up. "Hey, I'm Dallas. Your competition. I'm here to tell you that the role of clingy, obsessive guy who's into Alli was already cast, so you can fly on back to France."

"Mon dieu," Leo said. "You are very stupid parce que I speak French and am zerefore zee sexy one."

"Nah, you kind of look like Bobby from season 10's uglier cousin," Dallas remarked.

"Alli, can we talk to you?" Jenna asked. "Alone?"

"Sure, what's the problem?" Alli asked.

"We think your boyfriend's abusive and scary," Clare said. "We'd like him off this show."

"Oh yeah?" Alli asked. "Well your boyfriend crashed his car into a wall over you."

Clare shrugged. "A lot of people's boyfriends are doing that these days."

"TOO SOON!" Drew yelled.

"And your boyfriend," Alli said, directed at Jenna, "stole people's underwear."

"Yes, because we all know how stealing underwear is the same as hitting your girlfriend," Jenna said. "Plus, Connor got help for that."

Drew and Zoë were together because Zoë bribed Drew with Zolpidem (generic Ambien, just say "no," kids). "Drew, man, you should get off that Zolpidem," Dallas said. "It works for some people, but it messes other people up."

"That's important for a guy who has never done psych drugs or known anyone who used them to know," Drew said matter-of-factly.

Just then, Miles and Maya walked in. Zig and Zoë made eye-contact, an almost certain precursor for an epic romance on Degrassi.

"You wanna sit around and complain?" Zig asked Zoë.

"Why not?" Zoë asked.

"Man," Zig pouted. "I told her I'd wait for her to be ready. Now she's ready to be with that jerk."

Zoë sighed. "Miles used to be my boyfriend," she pouted. "Granted, there was literally nothing to our relationship besides making out at awkward times and making other people uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean what we had wasn't real!"

"What you said just now made total sense," Zig said. "Let's be friends."

"Okay," Zoë said.

Overall, the dance was a huge success. Everyone went home happy except for Drew, who went on a date with a girl he didn't love, Zoë, who learned the hard way that pills could not make someone love you, Zig, who is never happy, Connor, who wasn't supposed to engage, and Tristan, whose love interest from last season was black-holed, leaving him all alone.

As the dance was coming to an end, Clare was like, "Drew, you have to deal with the fact that they killed off your brother last season."

Drew was like, "NO I DO-HO-HONNNNNNNN'T!"

Clare was like, "yeah you do."

"Dude," Dallas said. "Since Alli doesn't want me and I'm off the hockey team, straight-talking to my bros is literally all I get to do anymore, so listen up, man. You need to stop doing drugs and get your shit together. Do you know what Adam would say if he was here?"

"No," Drew said. "What?"

"He'd say you need to stop doing drugs and get your shit together!" Dallas exclaimed.

"So what should I do?" Drew asked, confused.

"Never mind," Dallas said.

The next day, a bunch of people who have never shown any interest in French before were sitting in French class. Luke was all, "IMOGEN'S NIPPLES ARE SHOWING AND I'M A BIG PERVERT!"

"EN FRANÇAIS!" the French teacher shouted.

"Uh…" Luke did shifty eyes. "I've never taken French before. This is literally the first time I've ever been inside a French classroom. But uh…" he paused, summoning the magical power of Degrassi logic to help him immediately develop a working knowledge of French. "Le mamelons de Imogen sont visibles, et je suis un gross pervers!"

"Luke," Becky interrupted. "God is watching you."

"Well then God's getting quite the peep show from Imogen," Luke said with that douchey nod and laugh thing he does.

"EN FRANÇAIS!"

Luke sighed. "Uh…shit man. I mean uh…merde. Dieu voit un peep-show?"

Becky sighed angrily. "No, Luke! He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, and he definitely knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"

"I thought that was Santa," Luke said.

Mrs. French Teacher was like, "Imogen, go to the office, now."

"But Madam," Imogen protested. "Luke is the one who should be punished."

"En francais!" any real French teacher would say.

"Mais, Madam!" Imogen said. "Luke est celui qui devrait être puni!"

"Pas de tout!" Mrs. French Teacher shouted. "Vous êtes une grosse salope!"

"En anglais?" Imogen asked nervously.

"She called you a big slut," Becky whispered.

"EN FRANÇAIS!"

"Never mind," Imogen pouted. "I'll go to the office."

Imogen went to the office where Mr. Simpson was like, "Miss Moreno. I understand your nipples are showing. Would you like to talk about it?"

"No, I would not like to talk about it," Imogen said.

"Is wearing a bra really that hard?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"Depends on who you are," Imogen said matter-of-factly. "A lot of bra fitters have gotten into this strange habit of randomly adding 4 or 5 to every single bra measurement ever. What that means is that bra companies sell bras that are 4 or 5 inches wider than the average woman's rib cage. Usually, those bras have cups that are way too small to compensate. Because of this, a lot of women who need 26 or 28 bands are actually stuck in 32 to 36 bands. As a matter of fact, the author of this fic was wearing a 34C and actually needed a 28GG. With proper measurements, that's not actually as big as it sounds. If you wear anything below a 32, you're fucked as far as finding a band that fits unless you have a sewing machine. Don't even get me started on cup sizes above a D, which are actually a lot more common than you might think."

"Thank you for that PSA, Imogen, but you still have to wear a bra," Mr. Simpson said.

"Okay, cool," Imogen said.

The next day, Imogen wore a bra on top of her clothes.

"Woah!" Luke shouted. "I can see your bra!"

"EN FRANÇAIS!"

"Uh…woah. Je peux voir votre…bra?" Luke guessed, having no idea how to say "bra" in French.

Imogen started a protest and a bunch of girls took their tops off and started hypocritically yelling about feminism while also stating that it was impossible to get a boyfriend without stripping during school. Seeing girls stripping during school gave Zoë an idea.

"Hey, Maya," she said, while Maya was singing a surprisingly sexually-charged song in an empty classroom. "Wanna make a music video?"

Maya shrugged. "What's in it for you?"

"We just got off to a bad start as um…people who are in the same grade and are therefore obligated to become best friends at some point in the series," Zoë explained. "Oh, also I love you against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, and against all discouragement that could be."

" _Great Expectations,_ I love that book!" Tristan cheered.

The slender blonde girl raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"All I'm saying," she said, taking a step toward her very shocked frenemy, "is that if I profane with my unworthiest hand," she said, gently moving a lock of hair out of Maya's face, "this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this. My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a gentle kiss."

" _Romeo and Juliet_! I love that play!" Tristan cheered.

Feeling more than a little confused, Maya set down her guitar and felt Zoë's forehead. "Are you feeling okay?"

Zoë nodded. "I'm sorry, Maya. It's just that you are exactly my brand of heroin."

" _Twilight_ , I have no strong opinion one way or the other about that book!" Tristan cheered.

"Wait, Zoë, are you hitting on me?" Maya asked. "You're supposed to be straight."

"Tell that to Tumblr, milady," Zoë said. "I might be in love with you. I'm waiting until I'm actually sure to tell you, though."

" _Divergent,_ I actually hate that book!" Tristan cheered.

Zoë ignored him. "According to the fans, I'm as straight as Fiona for you."

Maya's eyes widened. "Uh…don't most of the fan theories say that you're going gay for Grace?"

Zoë got out her laptop and did a Google search for Degrassi Femslash. "Sorry," she said, returning the results. "It looks like _you're_ the one people want to see with Grace."

"Not happening, Matlin!" Grace shouted from across the hall.

"Listen," Zoë said. "I'm not flirting with you, alright? All I want is to get you naked on a bed and film it."

"WHAT?" Maya shouted.

"It'll be super tasteful," Zoë assured her. "It's not porn as long as we call it a music video and put a guitar in your hand for at least ten whole seconds of it."

"Oh," Maya said. "If it's just a music video, then what could possibly go wrong?"

The three friends left Degrassi to go shoot a naked video of Maya because seriously, what could possibly go wrong?

After the photo shoot, Zoë ended up with an entire computer crammed to the lid with hot pictures of Maya. One thing led to another and someone made a fan page where they pasted her face onto pictures of naked models for the heck of it. Considering that most pictures of naked models you can easily find on the internet are of people who are 18 or over, and Maya has a very skinny teenager kind of body, it must have taken some _serious_ dedication to make those pictures look believable via photoshop.

As Maya was walking to class, ready to kill the shit out of Zoë, Alli stopped her in the hallway. "Hey, I know how you're feeling," Alli said. "You're mad at some girl because she ruined your life but _trust me_. You do not want to have a bitch fight with her. You'll end up having to go to some special room where they talk to you about self-esteem. It happened to me after Vegas Night in tenth grade and it was super humiliating."

Maya rolled her eyes. "Whatever. That is so not happening to me."

Ignoring Alli's sage words of wisdom, Maya went and started a bitch fight with Zoë, which resulted in Maya getting sent to The Rubber Room.

"Welcome to The Rubber Room," some random woman we've never seen before said. "This is a room that has totally always existed and wasn't just created this season."

 _WILL MAYA MAKE ANY FRIENDS IN THE RUBBER ROOM? WILL ZIG SPEND A LOT OF TIME WHINING ABOUT THE FACT THAT MAYA FRIEND-ZONED HIM AT SOME INDETERMINATE TIME IN HISTORY (YES)? WILL ALLI BREAK UP WITH LEO? WILL CLARE HANDLE HER CONCERNS ABOUT HER MEDICAL CONDITION IN AN UNHEALTHY MANNER? SHOULD ANYONE ON EARTH BE TAKING ZOLPIDEM? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!_


End file.
